This post is copied from the Sept./ Oct. '11 issue of The Message.
The writer Klarissa Smith tells about a recent experience. “My 4-month-old daughter and I took a trip to the library. She babbled softly as I browsed through the books. As we walked, I heard an older man say gruffly, ‘Tell that kid to shut up, or I will.’ Angrily, I responded, ‘I am very sorry for whatever in your life caused you to be so disturbed by a happy baby, but I will not tell my baby to shut up, and I will not let you do so either.’
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“I braced myself, expecting an outburst from him. Instead, he looked down, took a deep breath, and said softly, ‘I apologize.’ He looked up at me with tears in his eyes, and we remained silent. Finally, he looked at my daughter. She smiled at him and happily kicked her arms and legs. He wiped his eyes and said slowly, ‘My son died when he was 2-months-old.’
“I moved to sit in the chair next to him. He went on to explain that his son died from SIDS over 50 years ago. He described how his anger grew, leading to a failed marriage and isolation. I asked him to tell me about his son. As he did so, he smiled back and forth with my daughter. Eventually, he asked to hold her. As he held her, his shoulders relaxed, and he briefly laid his cheek on her head. He returned her to me with a heartfelt ‘Thank you.’ I thanked him for sharing his story, and he quickly left.”
I share this story fully aware that there are many stories that could illustrate a response to inappropriate, aggressive, hurtful words. But this one is useful because what it illustrates is so often true. There is often more going on in a person’s hurtful words than meets the eye. Don’t you know it’s true?
Hurt people hurt people.
This is no excuse for hurtful behavior, but it can temper your response and lessen the likelihood of escalation. In this light I’ll offer two words:
1. Pastor Steve’s general operative guideline: Your clever return zinger is not nearly as helpful as you think it is.
2. God’s explicit command: “Summing up: Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble. That goes for all of you, no exceptions. No retaliation. No sharp-tongued sarcasm. Instead, bless—that’s your job, to bless. You’ll be a blessing and also get a blessing” (1P3:8-9,Msg).
